Only Me

Where has this semester gone?  It all just went by so quickly.  I look through my binder and can see all the notes that I took, all the poems and stories I wrote.  I look through the memory card in my camera and can see all the pictures I took.  I look through this blog and see all the movies and television episodes that I’ve watched.  I look through my Facebook profile and can see all the friends that I made.  I look at the calendar and see that half a semester has passed.  And yet, I feel like I haven’t done anything at all.

Tomorrow is my brother’s birthday.  He’s turning twenty-four.  That means I’ll be turning nineteen five months later.  Even though I’m five years younger than him, I feel like I’m getting so old.  Even though I’m already an adult, I feel like such a kid.  It’s like my age doesn’t match my mindset.  I feel like I’m still a high school student with no responsibilities.  I still feel like it’s so hard for me to make new friends and keep in touch with old friends.  I still feel like I can’t get anyone to meet up and hang out and go to shows with me no matter what I do.

I’ve been playing guitar and singing without the burden of a musicianship class and an audition looming over my shoulder.  I’ve been writing poems and stories that come out more naturally than they’ve had in years, and people telling me repeatedly how good they are.  I’ve been taking photographs with an actual digital SLR camera, taking the pleasure in it while being able to ignore the fact that it’s for a class assignment.  I’ve been absorbed in good music, listening to it with eyes closed and feet tapping on bus rides to and from school.  I’ve been watching brilliant movies and amazing television shows.  Why am I not happy?

There are movie and television scenes and parts of songs that can bring me to tears, but when my heart is aching from real life situations, I cannot cry.  All I can do is escape.  But that’s never enough.

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